Saturday, June 18, 2005

Is This What Middle Age Is?!

This week has been, well, interesting. I'm not sure if it's a combination of feeling like I'm coming down with something, the relief (but yet sadness) of the school year ending, or *that* time - but whatever it is, I have been in a major mood these past few days. I'm not grouchy, I'm just too. I feel too fat. I feel too ugly. My hair is too nappy. My clothes are too frumpy. My peeling skin is too itchy. Even my feet are too ugly to wear cute sandals. Yes, it's gotten that bad! I haven't been writing because I was too embarrassed to express these things, but then I remembered the whole reason for having this blog in the first place - to share what's going on in my life. And this has been it. My negative feelings about myself have been overshadowing my days, and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of it! This morning I was thinking about these things and started examining them one by one.

My hair - well, there's absolutely nothing I can do about the texture of it. It's nappy, curly sometimes, frizzy others, and basically has a mind of it's own. I am in the middle of the dreaded growing-out stage right now too, which doesn't help matters. I am growing it out again as Jerry has said he likes it when it is longer, and I do too. But because I was feeling frumpy once before, I kept cutting it short so that I could be more "fashionable". Fashionable, shmashionable. I need to just be me and do what I like. After all, it's my head!

As far as the frumpy clothes, during these past child-raising and staying-at-home years I never felt the need for anything more than jeans and a T-shirt which were practical for what my days held. Then when I did decide to try something a little nicer, the reality of my size jumped out at me and made me hastily retreat back into my comfort zone, which is jeans and a T-shirt! I did make a leap, though, and ordered some new things online from Fashion Bug and I must say that I am beginning to like some of my choices. One obstacle has been the fact that everyone has gotten so used to seeing me in my "old faithfuls" that they are just as surprised as me when I change things a bit. Yesterday I needed to go to the store so I decided to wear a new outfit that I had gotten. I walked downstairs to tell the boys that I was getting ready to leave when they both stopped what they were doing and stared at me. Then Tom informed me that the ties at the bottom of my capri pants (which I rather liked) had to go, that my shirt should be a different color, and did I have any Birkenstock-type sandals rather than the ones I was wearing? This from the kid with piercings and a tattoo. I put my chin up a little higher and informed him that I liked what I was wearing, and that was that.

As far as my feet go, well, I've come to the conclusion that this is what I was born with (just like my hair), and that's the way it is. My earliest memories are of a childhood friend making fun of my feet, and actually asking me to remove my shoes when people would come over so that she could show them my "awful-looking feet". Then my own family used to tease me about how I should have webs between my toes because of the space between them! I have always been self-conscious about my feet, but lately I have been looking around and noticed that there are people whose feet are a lot worse than mine, and they are wearing what they choose to wear. I have decided that this is what the good Lord gave me, and if I see a pair of shoes that I like, I'm going to wear them. For me.

This blog really is therapeutic! I feel like I have made major progress climbing out of this hole of negative self-thoughts just by writing this! I do know that I need to lose weight - that's just a health and feeling better and common sense thing. Besides, I do know that I feel much better when I exercise. And I will do so - but I will also enjoy the journey that I'm on right now.

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